Scroogy Snape
by Ivory Tower
Summary: And now a parody of all those annoying Snapish Christmas fics. Smut and sarcasm galore, kiddies!


Title: Scroogy Snape  
  
Author: Ivory Tower  
  
Disclaimer: J.K. Rowling owns all Harry Potter characters. I do not own SpongeBob Squarepants, the muppets, or "A Christmas Carol". Billy Idol belongs to himself. Oh, and Tolkien owns Frodo and Sam. I do not.  
  
Assorted staff members are decorating Hogwarts for Christmas. The is much cheerfullness and joy in the air. Professor Lupin walks along the corridors tossing candy canes at lucky passersby. Yes, everyone here at Hogwarts loves Christmas. Everyone except...Dun. Dun! DUN!!! Severus Snape!  
  
Everyone simultaneously stops walking, decorating, snogging, drug taking, and gasps. Harry, Ron and Hermione jog onto the staircase and begin to sing.  
  
"Oooooh it's Snape! Yeah, that Snape, he hates Christmas! Oh yeah!"  
  
Snape stomps up from his dungeon dwelling and scowls aplenty.  
  
"Stop that infernal racket this instant! Just because I hate children and most adults does not mean I loathe the Christmas season. I actually like Christmas. It's-"  
  
Seamus jumps in front of Snape with a copy of Charles Dickens's immortal classic "A Christmas Carol" He smiles and says, "Let's do this the easy way and simply retell the story, word for word, but we'll replace the characters names with our own. Won't that be jolly clever?"  
  
Snape frowns. "No. That is blatant plaigerism and a damnably lazy way to write fan fiction."  
  
"But Professor," pipes up Harry Potter, "the description of Scrooge suits you to a T. It's too tempting *not* to replace Scrooge's name with yours."  
  
Snape sighs. "But I do not dislike Christmas!"  
  
Minerva runs up to the trio and shouts, "I have inspected Snape's bedroom, office and classroom, and there is not a single sign of holiday cheer in any of them!"  
  
Everyone points at Snape and screams like in "Invasion of the Body Snatchers". Snape appears to be busted.  
  
"I *am* a double spy as well as the Potions Master and Head of Slytherin House. It is not as though I have loads of freetime with which to-"  
  
"Nonsense, Severus," yells Dumbledore as he descends from the chandalier holding a flagon of eggnog. "Look at me. I have a million and one things to do and my office is brimming with holiday cheer! Have a peppermint my lad!" Dumbledore pelts a peppermint at Snape's abnormally large nose that we all long to stroke.  
  
"Dumbledore," cries Ron in Christmas elation, "you jolly son of a bitch!"  
  
"There is only one way to cure Snape's Scroogelike demeaner," insists Dean Thomas.  
  
"Send in the caroling muppets," shout Harry, Ron and Hermione.  
  
"Oh god, no!" screams Snape and makes to run away but he is accosted by house elves in elf costumes.  
  
The muppets enter and begin to sing one of their songs from "A Muppet Christmas Carol", which I've never sing, so I honestly cannot repeat any of the lyrics. Insert lyrics that describe Scrooge's character here. Hey, I've read about the damn muppet Christmas thingy, so I'm not completely ignorant about the movie. Anyway...  
  
"No more! No more!" wails a flailing Snape, resembling an oversized bat ready to take flight. "I tell you, I like Christmas!"  
  
"You don't like it enough!" roars an intoxicated Dumbledore. "I summon the Horny Mistletoe!"  
  
Snape screams anew. Yes, boys and girls, it is none other than the legendary, kinky Horny Mistletoe. As Professor Sprout would tell us, the Horny Mistletoe only grows beneath the best brothels south of Paris. This fungus, yes, mistletoe is a fungus, boys and girls, thrives on passionate lovemaking and heavy petting. Those who stand beneath the Horny Mistletoe will become very breathless, very sexy, and very...horny.  
  
Dumbledore claps his hands. "Who wishes to stand beneath the Horny Mistletoe with Professor Snape?" he asks.  
  
"I do! I do!" shout Harry, Draco, Hermione, Ginny, Dobby, Hagrid, Neville, Filch, the portrait of Sir Cadogan, the Fat Friar, Firenze and a blast-ended skrewt.  
  
"Professor Lupin, how about you?" inquires a salivating Harry Potter.  
  
Lupin shrugs. "Oh, what the hell," he consents. "Here, Severus, you can suck on my peppermint stick."  
  
"No! No! This is not what Christmas is about," yells Snape, breaking free and dashing for the Great Hall.  
  
The Great Hall has undergone a dazzling transformation. It is all snowy and glittery and sparkling with fir trees, hobbits and reindeer with ice blue beards.  
  
"You are right, Professor Snape," sighs young, impressionable Ginny Weasley, clad in a beautiful white velvet dress trimmed with white fur. "Christmas is a time for love and romance and Yule Balls!"  
  
"No! Not *another* Yule Ball. I hate those things! Whatever happened to coloring Christmas pictures and making cookie ornaments?"  
  
Ginny giggles. "Oh come now, Professor Snape. You never did any of those things. You suffer from a dark and disappointing childhood that was void of gifts and yule logs. You must lock tongues with an overly-developed, underaged girl in order to appreciate the true meaning of Christmas."  
  
"Stay away from me, you hormonally unbalanced little girl!" barks Snape, backing into a bank of snow. He is now stuck.  
  
"Fine. Let's skip the Yule Ball business and go straight for *your* balls, Professor."   
  
Ginny disrobes to reveal a sexy Christmas teddie in red and white, complete with thigh high black patent leather stiletto-heeled boots. Snape topples over into the snow bank, which should be highly romanctic, except he is very cold and rather frightened. Christmas was so much simpler when he was a child.  
  
"And now let us sing a kinky Christmas song," squeals Ginny with a giggle.  
  
"Joy to the world!  
  
Good lays are here  
  
To bring us all some cheer.  
  
Let every boy  
  
And every girl  
  
Fuck and fuck and fuck  
  
They'll fuck and fuck and fuck.  
  
We'll fuuuu-"  
  
Snape is appalled at the smut issuing from 13-year-old Ginny Weasley's mouth. He covers his ears and shouts, "I can't hear you! I can't hear you! Laaaaaaaaaaalaaaaaaaaaaaalaaaaaaaaaaa!"  
  
Frodo and Sam, who have been making goo-goo eyes at each other the entire time, surrender to their lust and roll about in the freezing snow grunting like trolls.  
  
Snape scrambles to his feet and heads for the dungeon. He's seen enough! Slamming the door shut, Snape locks the 7 different bolts and retreats to his chair. Wait a tick...that chair feels funny...  
  
"Hello, Professor," purrs the sensual voice of-  
  
"Potter!" Snape leaps to his feet. "Get out at once!"  
  
Harry reclines in a very suggestive position in Snape's favorite chair.  
  
"I, too, have never know the joys of a true Christmas, Professor. Perhaps we could...show each other. Draco and Lupin taught me the most incredible thing to do with those economy size peppermint sticks, and the sensation is just-"  
  
Snape faints.  
  
"Hurrah!" cries Hermione from the closet. "It is now time for the moving and steamy hospital scene."  
  
"Dance of the Sugarplum Fairy" plays as a cloaked figure sneaks into the hospital wing. Moonlight streams in through the windows to reveal Lucius Malfoy as he sheds his purple velvet cloak. He is wearing tight black leather pants with a lace up crotch and a white poets shirt. His beautiful long blond hair spills over his shoulders like a waterfall of...hair.  
  
Snape stirs uneasily in his sleep. Lucius grins lecherously and rubs his hands together.  
  
"I am the Ghost of Christmas Perversion. Poor, poor Severus hasn't had sex since 1985, which is why he so despises Christmas. Never fear! The Ghost of Christmas Perversion and his Cane of Many Wonders are here!"  
  
Lucius then proceeds to pull the sheets down and Snape's gray nightshirt up. Right on cue, Snape's black eyes pop open and glisten in the moonlight of the gently fallen snow.  
  
"Lucius, what are you-" Snape gasps and grips the bedclothes tightly with his hands, for he has just tasted the pleasures of the Cane of Many Wonders. "What-has-this-to-do-with-Christmas?" pants a very strained Snape.  
  
Lucuis pauses to give his hand a rest. "Nothing. Why? Oh really, Severus, you look so scrumptuous when you are being taken advantage of. En garde!"  
  
"I strenuously OBJECT to this TREATMENT!" groans the formidable Potions Master.  
  
"Let it snow! Let it snow! Let it snow!" sings Lucius, checking his pocket watch. "Whoops! My time here is done. Say goodbye to the cane of many wonders." Lucius blows a handful of glitter onto Snape and vanishes.  
  
Snape lies sprawled on the hospital bed with his nightshirt pulled up past his waist and asks, "Was I just inappropriately handled with a cane?"  
  
Hermione, Dumbledore, and the rest of the school troop in. They get quite a view of Snape's-ahem. Moving on...  
  
"Severus! Are you okay?" Dumbledore rushes to the Potions Master's side.  
  
"Really, I just want to be left alone, Headmaster."  
  
"Oh, poor Professor Snape! I shall single-handedly nurse you back to health," coos Hermione.  
  
Lupin enters, sucking on a SpongeBob Squarepants lemon-flavored candy cane.  
  
"Aha!" the lycanthrope exclaims, "I see the Ghost of Christmas Perversion has graced Severus to taste the delights of the Cane of Many Wonders."  
  
"I have been violated by a walking stick, " shrieks Snape, "I saw two male hobbits groping one another in the snow, heard Ginny Weasley sing a blasphemous Christmas song, was seduced by Harry Potter, and caroled at by muppets! What in hell does all this have to do with Christmas?"  
  
Ron shrugs and says, "Fuck if I know. How about that happy ending where Snape falls in love and cuddles and raises bunny rabbits to give to orphaned children everywhere?"  
  
"It is decided!" roars Dumbledore, "Young Hermione is to be given to Severus as a sex slave, but we'll condone this through the guise of marriage and blame it on the conveninent reinstated marriage law for all wizards and witches 12 through 17!"  
  
"Oooooh! A winter wedding. How romantic," breathe Lavender, Parvati, Ginny and Pansy.  
  
Snape proceeds to go insane as Billy Idol swings in through the window and begins to sing "White Wedding".  
  
~FIN~ 


End file.
